A strange thing has been taking place in my life... A radicalization. Christ is moving strongly and firmly through me... it's quite an unbelievable feeling.
Nothing feels the same anymore... literally nothing. The things that used to draw me to them don't anymore... It's like I can finally see clearly. I know many of my friends are having trouble understanding this... and I don't quite know how to explain it... To them, I've always been "guy obsessed, goofy, over-reactive Shelby". Now I'm changed.
As I've been pondering what to do with my life and where I feel God is leading me... I always keep coming back to mission work. I've felt called to mission work for almost a year now. I've never known why, or where, but I've felt drawn.
Here I need to add detail about a specific area of my life that I looked back on today and realized had changed... children.
I used to not like children that much... I never babysat, never had cousins or siblings that were a lot younger than me... never had to deal with small children, so I was uncomfortable. I always thought, "I know when I have my own kids I'll love them, but other people's kids... not so much."
Lately though, I haven't been able to keep my heart from melting when I see them. So much potential rides in each one of those little people... they're so innocent.
In Sacred Singleness, there is a testimony from a missionary named Karris who lives and works in an orphanage/school in Haiti. I went to the website listed danitaschildren.org and read some of the childrens' stories and the mission there and fell in love. I truly believe that I am called to minister and help children in situations like that.
He has called me RADICALLY. I honestly can't even imagine just marrying someone straight out of college and settling down in suburbia now... there are MILLIONS of people all around the world that haven't had the chance to hear His word... there are children that need to be rescued and cared for. How can I just ignore that?
I am willing to give up EVERYTHING for Him and this calling. Every comfort I've ever known... every person that I depend on.
It's been pressed upon my heart. I can't wait to see where He takes me. Please pray that He'll provide me with guidance as I venture further into this. :)
-Shelby :)
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Carrying the cross in our singleness
So, I've been reading this incredible book called Sacred Singleness by Leslie Ludy. It's pointed out so many wonderful things about this time of singleness I'm in, as well as provided much needed encouragement.
There are many Christian books out there that blow off the whole "Singleness is a gift" thing and tell young girls to help out their situation because God called us to be married.
First off, I can just see that leading to settling for a less than Christ-like prince. You're, say... 27, and this guy comes along and he's a "Christian" and he goes to church, so he must be husband material right? Sure, it's obvious he's not on fire for the Lord, but he's better than most men! You're 27, times running out!
I hope and pray I will never put myself in that situation. I've waited this long, and plan to wait as long as it takes for a one of a kind, loves the Lord with every ounce of his being (even more than me!), incredible man. Because I know if I wait for His time... it'll be worth it. I don't want to settle for a "little bit better than the average Joe moral wise" guy... I want a man who is going to encourage me in my walk with Christ... who will pray with me and do mission work with me and study the Word with me... (I know this is not what everyone wants who may read this... I'm not trying to place lesser value on what other people may seek- merely stating what I want to wait for :) )
Back to the people who say otherwise though... Leslie mentioned one author who wrote that she couldn't believe God wanted His children to embrace a gift that hurt so much, and that she realized she was being tricked into denying her very self (which was obviously the desire to be married).
Leslie quoted Matthew 16:24 for this, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me."
And then she pointed our perhaps one of the truest, most beautiful things ever... I'll quote the passage:
"What if Jesus had simply listened to His 'heart' that night in the Garden of Gethsemane? What if He had taken that particular book's advice and yielded to what His emotions and human desires were telling Him? What if He had said, 'Surely God does not want me to embrace something that makes me so miserable? Surely I shouldn't see this as an opportunity from My Father! Death is a curse. It's shameful; it's painful. Why would I surrender to something that doesn't make Me feel happy?'"
HOW TRUE?
We are called to live our lives as Christ did... fearlessly and devotedly... 100%. He was willing to HANG ON THE CROSS because God told Him to.... He trusted that God would get Him through it... that it would be worth it! Why shouldn't us single people take that same attitude? Surely, being single is nowhere near as terrible as being crucified.
I just know that so many more people could be embracing this time in their lives! If I... the girl who used to desire NOTHING more than to be married with a family... who already has her dress and ring picked out... who cries when watching proposals and weddings just because the thought of having found that one person makes my heart explode... if I can be content in this time... anyone can.
He is all I need. He is more than enough. I can live now without any distractions... without having to worry about affecting another person with my decisions... I just need to focus on what He is doing in my life... it's absolutely liberating. :)
-Shelby :)
There are many Christian books out there that blow off the whole "Singleness is a gift" thing and tell young girls to help out their situation because God called us to be married.
First off, I can just see that leading to settling for a less than Christ-like prince. You're, say... 27, and this guy comes along and he's a "Christian" and he goes to church, so he must be husband material right? Sure, it's obvious he's not on fire for the Lord, but he's better than most men! You're 27, times running out!
I hope and pray I will never put myself in that situation. I've waited this long, and plan to wait as long as it takes for a one of a kind, loves the Lord with every ounce of his being (even more than me!), incredible man. Because I know if I wait for His time... it'll be worth it. I don't want to settle for a "little bit better than the average Joe moral wise" guy... I want a man who is going to encourage me in my walk with Christ... who will pray with me and do mission work with me and study the Word with me... (I know this is not what everyone wants who may read this... I'm not trying to place lesser value on what other people may seek- merely stating what I want to wait for :) )
Back to the people who say otherwise though... Leslie mentioned one author who wrote that she couldn't believe God wanted His children to embrace a gift that hurt so much, and that she realized she was being tricked into denying her very self (which was obviously the desire to be married).
Leslie quoted Matthew 16:24 for this, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me."
And then she pointed our perhaps one of the truest, most beautiful things ever... I'll quote the passage:
"What if Jesus had simply listened to His 'heart' that night in the Garden of Gethsemane? What if He had taken that particular book's advice and yielded to what His emotions and human desires were telling Him? What if He had said, 'Surely God does not want me to embrace something that makes me so miserable? Surely I shouldn't see this as an opportunity from My Father! Death is a curse. It's shameful; it's painful. Why would I surrender to something that doesn't make Me feel happy?'"
HOW TRUE?
We are called to live our lives as Christ did... fearlessly and devotedly... 100%. He was willing to HANG ON THE CROSS because God told Him to.... He trusted that God would get Him through it... that it would be worth it! Why shouldn't us single people take that same attitude? Surely, being single is nowhere near as terrible as being crucified.
I just know that so many more people could be embracing this time in their lives! If I... the girl who used to desire NOTHING more than to be married with a family... who already has her dress and ring picked out... who cries when watching proposals and weddings just because the thought of having found that one person makes my heart explode... if I can be content in this time... anyone can.
He is all I need. He is more than enough. I can live now without any distractions... without having to worry about affecting another person with my decisions... I just need to focus on what He is doing in my life... it's absolutely liberating. :)
-Shelby :)
Monday, February 14, 2011
So, after my little emotional breakdown I just documented, I turned to the book with all answers... and of course found some.
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.
-1 Peter 5:6-11
How relevant and incredible are those words? Very.
-Shelby :)
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.
-1 Peter 5:6-11
How relevant and incredible are those words? Very.
-Shelby :)
Tired and Tried.
Today started out great. All day long I was just basking in His love and just drinking it all in. And I was sharing my happiness on facebook.
Then the incident happened and honestly, I was just a mess of emotion, not sad, really... just moved. And I felt drawn to write a note on facebook that I had actually been planning on writing for a few days now (I was just waiting for V Day).
And then the worry started up again... like a choking hand, it took me over, seeped into every pore. I feel violated. I feel like everything I write here and on facebook and twitter is going to be made fun of and ridiculed. Even though I've tried to block those negative people, I feel like there's still an inside source feeding them information. It's absolutely sickening. I want to die... seriously, I just want to be with my God up in heaven and escape this fear. These people are ruining my life... if you're reading this and you're one of them, please just... stop. I've done nothing to you and all I'm doing now is sharing my love of my Lord.
In a way, I don't care that they're making fun of me... I mean, they're just poking fun at my faith.
My world has just gone from absolutely perfect to terrifying in a period of a week.
I just wish I could never see these people again... I want to go away to another college and just leave them. But I still feel like they'll be there ridiculing me.
I'm trying so hard to trust Him right now... I really am. I'm just so torn down. I have one of the most delicate hearts I've ever come across and it can't take this. I really just want to delete everyone on facebook except for those I know share my love of the Lord. Because I KNOW for a fact that they will not do something like this. But that's just me giving into Satan and his wishes. I know for a fact I have been called to share His word. Whether it's as a girls minister or a missionary, or whatever... and for now, as I'm in college, I have to stick to sharing it through the internet. It's just so hard.
Then the incident happened and honestly, I was just a mess of emotion, not sad, really... just moved. And I felt drawn to write a note on facebook that I had actually been planning on writing for a few days now (I was just waiting for V Day).
And then the worry started up again... like a choking hand, it took me over, seeped into every pore. I feel violated. I feel like everything I write here and on facebook and twitter is going to be made fun of and ridiculed. Even though I've tried to block those negative people, I feel like there's still an inside source feeding them information. It's absolutely sickening. I want to die... seriously, I just want to be with my God up in heaven and escape this fear. These people are ruining my life... if you're reading this and you're one of them, please just... stop. I've done nothing to you and all I'm doing now is sharing my love of my Lord.
In a way, I don't care that they're making fun of me... I mean, they're just poking fun at my faith.
My world has just gone from absolutely perfect to terrifying in a period of a week.
I just wish I could never see these people again... I want to go away to another college and just leave them. But I still feel like they'll be there ridiculing me.
I'm trying so hard to trust Him right now... I really am. I'm just so torn down. I have one of the most delicate hearts I've ever come across and it can't take this. I really just want to delete everyone on facebook except for those I know share my love of the Lord. Because I KNOW for a fact that they will not do something like this. But that's just me giving into Satan and his wishes. I know for a fact I have been called to share His word. Whether it's as a girls minister or a missionary, or whatever... and for now, as I'm in college, I have to stick to sharing it through the internet. It's just so hard.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Always blown away
God has provided SO much for me in His amazing way thus far in my life that I shouldn't be so surprised every time He does it again... but goodness... that incredible feeling that I get when I see He has given me exactly what I need or when He answers my prayers so beautifully... it's indescribable.
Yesterday was kind of rough for me... I was deeply discouraged by my current situation in church. I want SO badly to get involved more and meet more college kids walking with Christ, but the friends I go to church with don't seem to have the same passion for our church that I do (not saying that that's wrong... I understand that Lakeview is REALLY different from their home churches/not going to church at all). Anyways, yesterday I learned I would have literally no one to go to church with out of the 5 people that normally go with me. I was just really upset and down, but I knew I needed to go anyways. I went and this couple that are friends with one of my friends and that I'm acquainted with were there so I stuck with them. They were incredibly nice and Emily (the girl) invited me to start coming to girls bible study on Monday night. I've definitely been needing something like that and I feel like I can make even more friends there!
There was a second point that was REALLY wearing on me though... I've never really had a Christ centered friendship with any of my best friends... they're all Christians for sure, but we've never talked about our walk with Christ, prayed together, anything really... we just never even talk about what God is doing in our lives. I've been in an intense need for that kind of support and last night I just broke down and cried out to God to bring some people into my life that would encourage me with His word, pray with me, and lift me up in my journey with Him. Then at church of course, I talked to Emily and then tonight the craziest thing happened... one of the girls I went to high school with but was never really close friends with posted a status on facebook about loneliness that screamed exactly what my heart was feeling. So I messaged her and we started talking and we're actually struggling with a similar situation right now, though she has an earthly prince in her life- we're both working to put our heavenly Prince first and foremost in this pivotal time of our lives. We're hopefully going to meet for lunch sometime!
How incredible is that? It didn't even take a day for Him to provide me with what I needed, even if it wasn't in an expected place... He WANTS me to grow in Him... He wants me to flourish right now... it's such a great feeling!
I'm so excited about tomorrow. It's Valentine's Day, yes... and I will be spending it with the One who holds my heart tightly... :)
-Shelby :)
Yesterday was kind of rough for me... I was deeply discouraged by my current situation in church. I want SO badly to get involved more and meet more college kids walking with Christ, but the friends I go to church with don't seem to have the same passion for our church that I do (not saying that that's wrong... I understand that Lakeview is REALLY different from their home churches/not going to church at all). Anyways, yesterday I learned I would have literally no one to go to church with out of the 5 people that normally go with me. I was just really upset and down, but I knew I needed to go anyways. I went and this couple that are friends with one of my friends and that I'm acquainted with were there so I stuck with them. They were incredibly nice and Emily (the girl) invited me to start coming to girls bible study on Monday night. I've definitely been needing something like that and I feel like I can make even more friends there!
There was a second point that was REALLY wearing on me though... I've never really had a Christ centered friendship with any of my best friends... they're all Christians for sure, but we've never talked about our walk with Christ, prayed together, anything really... we just never even talk about what God is doing in our lives. I've been in an intense need for that kind of support and last night I just broke down and cried out to God to bring some people into my life that would encourage me with His word, pray with me, and lift me up in my journey with Him. Then at church of course, I talked to Emily and then tonight the craziest thing happened... one of the girls I went to high school with but was never really close friends with posted a status on facebook about loneliness that screamed exactly what my heart was feeling. So I messaged her and we started talking and we're actually struggling with a similar situation right now, though she has an earthly prince in her life- we're both working to put our heavenly Prince first and foremost in this pivotal time of our lives. We're hopefully going to meet for lunch sometime!
How incredible is that? It didn't even take a day for Him to provide me with what I needed, even if it wasn't in an expected place... He WANTS me to grow in Him... He wants me to flourish right now... it's such a great feeling!
I'm so excited about tomorrow. It's Valentine's Day, yes... and I will be spending it with the One who holds my heart tightly... :)
-Shelby :)
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Surrender
So first off, before I get into the meat of this post, I thought I should say a few things.
First, this is a blog to continue my story that I had been posting on Tumblr. Unfortunately, some cruel people got a hold of my tumblr address and used some personal information from there to embarrass me on the internet. So, this is me starting fresh... definitely no names included unless it's absolutely necessary.
Some background from my journey this year and before that... I accepted Christ my sophomore year of high school and everything in life took a new perspective... but I was still coveting the one thing that was hurting my heart the most and causing me the most distress in my life, as well as keeping me from a full and completely meaningful relationship with my God- my love life.
I've never had a real relationship... never been on a real date... never been kissed. And up until THIS year, I thought it was because I was worthless, ugly, and that something was seriously wrong with me. But then I read When God Writes Your Love Story and realized that I had been "unlucky" in the boy department because God created me to be a one man woman. I was given the INCREDIBLY rare privilege that I can give my future spouse (if I even get married) EVERYTHING. So I made the life changing decision to not date until I knew I was in the presence of my husband. Basically, this decision has made everything a million times better... my life is completely changed and I have a more intimate, amazing relationship with the Lord than ever before because instead of cursing him, I can appreciate and revel in this beautiful gift he's given me.
I think that's a pretty good summary of everything... now for my post.
Surrender.
Most of us think we've done it... that we've given our lives to Christ. But how many doors are you keeping locked to Him? How many things are you coveting that He wants you to give to Him? We must be willing to give EVERYTHING to Him. We must throw open every door and invite Him in. What's He asking you to give up? I'll tell you exactly what the three hardest things were that He asked me to give up... First off... All Time Low. Now. Yes, they're just a band. But if you're a die hard ATL fan, it's SO much more than the music... you must know EVERYTHING about every band member AND all of the crew members. You must watch all of their buzznet videos. You must know every word to every one of their songs. And I did. I felt like they were my best friends. But the problem was... they're living in a way that was tearing me from His arms. They curse badly and frequently and drink all the time and have sex whenever, make crude jokes... everything. I had given so much to them. And God kept tugging at my heart asking me to give them up but I couldn't. Last week I did. I deleted everything about them from my computer and I stopped following them on twitter. And now I'm trying to sell my tickets to see them. Second up... my tumblr! Haha, kind of ironic, but it was taking up WAY more time than twitter and facebook combined PLUS there was SO much bad language and bad things coming at me daily. I deleted it because of the situation I mentioned before, but I realized afterwards how easy it was to do it... I was willing to give it up. And then the last one... the one I would avoid every time He nudged me... the one that I had based my entire EXISTENCE off of and my meaning and purpose for life off of.... the right to marriage.
Up until surrendering that, I felt I had the RIGHT to be married. That God HAD to do that for me since I was living a clean life and being a good girl... I thought I deserved it and that he should WANT to give it to me... but that's not what being a follower of Christ is about.
He loves delighting in us and fulfilling our heart's desires... and marriage was definitely my heart's very deepest desire.
But if He calls me to be single for the entirety of my earthly life, then so be it. My heavenly Bridegroom is far greater and can give me so much more than an earthly prince anyways. I'm in a marriage with Him. He is the only man I have my sights focused on. If He decides to bring someone into my life for earthly encouragement and companionship, then I will LOVE that... but if He doesn't, I will love that just as much. The other day at church, Brother Al said something incredibly true, "You can always have what you desire, if you desire what God has planned for you." How awesome is that? If we only hope for Him to lead us where He needs to, we will NEVER be disappointed.
There is SO much weight lifted off of my shoulders now that I don't have to worry about finding a husband. I can just focus on Him with my all and live the life He has planned for me.
"Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ"
- Philippians 3:8
Shelby :)
First, this is a blog to continue my story that I had been posting on Tumblr. Unfortunately, some cruel people got a hold of my tumblr address and used some personal information from there to embarrass me on the internet. So, this is me starting fresh... definitely no names included unless it's absolutely necessary.
Some background from my journey this year and before that... I accepted Christ my sophomore year of high school and everything in life took a new perspective... but I was still coveting the one thing that was hurting my heart the most and causing me the most distress in my life, as well as keeping me from a full and completely meaningful relationship with my God- my love life.
I've never had a real relationship... never been on a real date... never been kissed. And up until THIS year, I thought it was because I was worthless, ugly, and that something was seriously wrong with me. But then I read When God Writes Your Love Story and realized that I had been "unlucky" in the boy department because God created me to be a one man woman. I was given the INCREDIBLY rare privilege that I can give my future spouse (if I even get married) EVERYTHING. So I made the life changing decision to not date until I knew I was in the presence of my husband. Basically, this decision has made everything a million times better... my life is completely changed and I have a more intimate, amazing relationship with the Lord than ever before because instead of cursing him, I can appreciate and revel in this beautiful gift he's given me.
I think that's a pretty good summary of everything... now for my post.
Surrender.
Most of us think we've done it... that we've given our lives to Christ. But how many doors are you keeping locked to Him? How many things are you coveting that He wants you to give to Him? We must be willing to give EVERYTHING to Him. We must throw open every door and invite Him in. What's He asking you to give up? I'll tell you exactly what the three hardest things were that He asked me to give up... First off... All Time Low. Now. Yes, they're just a band. But if you're a die hard ATL fan, it's SO much more than the music... you must know EVERYTHING about every band member AND all of the crew members. You must watch all of their buzznet videos. You must know every word to every one of their songs. And I did. I felt like they were my best friends. But the problem was... they're living in a way that was tearing me from His arms. They curse badly and frequently and drink all the time and have sex whenever, make crude jokes... everything. I had given so much to them. And God kept tugging at my heart asking me to give them up but I couldn't. Last week I did. I deleted everything about them from my computer and I stopped following them on twitter. And now I'm trying to sell my tickets to see them. Second up... my tumblr! Haha, kind of ironic, but it was taking up WAY more time than twitter and facebook combined PLUS there was SO much bad language and bad things coming at me daily. I deleted it because of the situation I mentioned before, but I realized afterwards how easy it was to do it... I was willing to give it up. And then the last one... the one I would avoid every time He nudged me... the one that I had based my entire EXISTENCE off of and my meaning and purpose for life off of.... the right to marriage.
Up until surrendering that, I felt I had the RIGHT to be married. That God HAD to do that for me since I was living a clean life and being a good girl... I thought I deserved it and that he should WANT to give it to me... but that's not what being a follower of Christ is about.
He loves delighting in us and fulfilling our heart's desires... and marriage was definitely my heart's very deepest desire.
But if He calls me to be single for the entirety of my earthly life, then so be it. My heavenly Bridegroom is far greater and can give me so much more than an earthly prince anyways. I'm in a marriage with Him. He is the only man I have my sights focused on. If He decides to bring someone into my life for earthly encouragement and companionship, then I will LOVE that... but if He doesn't, I will love that just as much. The other day at church, Brother Al said something incredibly true, "You can always have what you desire, if you desire what God has planned for you." How awesome is that? If we only hope for Him to lead us where He needs to, we will NEVER be disappointed.
There is SO much weight lifted off of my shoulders now that I don't have to worry about finding a husband. I can just focus on Him with my all and live the life He has planned for me.
"Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ"
- Philippians 3:8
Shelby :)
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