Refreshed

Whew! The semester is almost over. Honestly, it's probably been some of the roughest months of my entire life. I felt continuously mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. I've yelled at God more these past few months than I ever have. My self esteem hit rock bottom and past problems and insecurities started working their way into my life again.
Tonight though, I finally felt a change that feels lasting. I can see the end of the school work which is an utter relief. Band is pretty much over (which while I absolutely love being in the AUMB, it sometimes is a battle realizing that impressing people and being liked in my band family is nowhere near as important as pleasing the Lord and bringing Him glory). I've got my priorities about dating straight again. I finally feel back to normal. Thank God. Literally. Praise Him.
Tonight I was able to full heartedly and unabashedly pray for my enemies and friends with a selfless heart for the first time in a while. I looked in the mirror and realized that traditional "beauty" has nothing on eyes that are glowing with a peace that comes from knowing the Lord and a face lit up with the Spirit.
I have in part my compassion international babies to thank for this. Last month, I realized how incredibly selfish I had become gradually over the semester. My prayers were all about me. My thoughts were consumed in self pity and envy and greed. I knew I had to fix SOMETHING. The Lord laid it on my heart to go on compassion international's website and pick 3 children to just PRAY for. It was such a burden off of my heart to just pour out myself for someone truly in need and take on THEIR problems instead of dwelling on my own trivial issues. Week after week my babies kept getting sponsored (praise God!) and I kept picking out new kids to pray for. While I couldn't support them financially, I could support them prayerfully. Tonight though, the most wonderful news came- my mom said we could pick two children to sponsor! I am so thrilled about this opportunity! I can't wait to correspond with the kids and see God work in their lives.
Anyways, I would just encourage anyone reading this who may be struggling with feeling self absorbed.    Find someone else to pray for, whether it be someone who needs to know of God's grace, someone who is struggling with sin, someone who is in a rough spot in their life, or even a child across the world who needs just one soul thinking about and praying for them. Find someone else other than yourself to dwell on and watch Him work through you.
A verse from Bible study tonight really stuck with me:
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength. - Philippians 4:12-13

Thanks for reading as always. :)

-Shelby :)

The Summer of Getting By

So, it's been awhile since I last wrote. I won't lie and say I haven't thought about writing a few times, but honestly my heart wasn't in it. Tonight I feel God has nudged me to pick up the virtual pen and get back into the game.

This summer... has been good. I've been happy and surrounded by family and nothing bad has really happened and I can't complain by a normal standard. I've kept in the Word- thought sometimes I hurried through my passage for the night just to get to bed or get back on the computer. In all honesty though, I felt a huge lack of Him through these past months. I read Psalm 73:3-6 last night and easily applied it to myself.

3 For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
4 They have no struggles;
their bodies are healthy and strong.
5 They are free from common human burdens;
they are not plagued by human ills.
6 Therefore pride is their necklace;

I fell into a complacency of sorts. That attitude of "Oh, I'm getting by. I'm doing okay. Nothing's bad. Nothing's really AWESOME either, but it's all good. Limiting the access God has to my life isn't affecting me THAT much. I can live like this, I mean, tons of other people are. Look at them- they're doing great and they don't have God in their life." 

I was SO wrong. So so so wrong. And the funny thing is, I was aware at every moment that I could be living a more fulfilled life. I could go back to having that ever present peace and joy that I had had earlier in the year. But my own foolish pride led me to think that I could handle life better than Him. 

I'm glad I've been having a gradual change of heart back where I need to be these past few weeks. I just can't wait to be back into my Lakeview groove. I cherish my time there greatly- being surrounded by people my own age with a similar love for the Lord is so encouraging! 

This summer I started yanking back bits of my life for myself instead of letting them rest in His capable hands. It's so silly when I think about it, because life with God IS a vacation from this fallen world. 

To end this catching up piece, I don't want anyone to think that my beliefs have been shaken or I've questioned what the Lord has done in my life. If anything, the straying of my heart has brought me back to Him with a stronger, fiercer love and devotion which I find is what always comes out of these type of things. :)

I'm so excited to get back to Auburn and see what He has in store for me! 

23 Yet I am always with You;
You hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with Your counsel,
and afterward You will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but You?
And earth has nothing I desire besides You.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

-Psalm 73:23-26

^That just makes my heart soar. 

-Shelby :)

Romance

Tonight I was sitting out on our back porch as dusk fell and rocking in one of our two rocking chairs, enjoying the sounds and smells and feel of summer. Dusk is my absolute favorite time of day... there's something so peaceful and quiet and final about it.
My mind started to wander and soon an ache hit my heart... the one I fight down so often... the want for earthly companionship. Looking over at the empty rocking chair to my side, it was so easy to imagine him there... whoever he may be. It's times like these when I feel cheated that I can't know my husband NOW and start sharing parts of my life with him NOW, if I'm meant to get married. Every time I feel so happy in a moment, I long for him to be there to share it with me.
And whenever I start longing for that, I feel guilty and angry at myself. Why am I not happy with the Lord's companionship? Is it not good enough? He's the LORD. He has given me a million times what any earthly man will... and my mind always says, "You need something tangible- a hand to hold, a face to gaze at..."
That's true... I do want that. But tonight as I looked around at all of the things I was enjoying before my mind started to wander- the slight balmy breeze, the faint sound of crickets, the dimming of the sky- I realized that those very things are what He uses to romance ME. The ultimate Bridegroom cherishes me and provides all of those things I long to share with a man... all along I could've been treasuring those moments with Him... thanking Him for His beautiful gifts.
You've opened my eyes Lord... no tenderness compares to Yours.
-Shelby :)

Desperately wanting a reality check

Lately I've been troubled... troubled by how I take everything I have for granted. By how easily it is to forget how much I have.
I'm so wasteful... I just ate a row of oreos and took off the tops of all of them and just threw them away. I pour out a bottle of water if it sits beside my bed for a couple of days. I stand in the hot shower for over 30 minutes every night.
And yet around the world, people are dying from starvation, unclean drinking water, living in filthy conditions, watching parents, siblings, children die.
Oh Lord, I want to be Your hands and feet to these people.
I want so bad to move to one of these third world countries. To remove myself from the cushy upper middle class America I've lived in my whole life. To not waste my days texting and checking social networking sites and throwing my life away to the internet. I want to make a difference.
I will one day. Hopefully. One day after I graduate.
But for now, I just feel stuck and guilty and helpless. Helpless to help those who need it.
How can I stay here knowing that thousands of people around the world have not even heard the word Jesus? It's so easy to get caught up in those immediately surrounding me who HAVE heard and chose to ignore.
I used to want to get married right out of college and live in suburbia forever. And there's NOTHING wrong with that... but something has been pressed on me... I've been called.
Most of these starving, sick, dying people have lost hope. I want to bring them not only the physical things they so desperately need, but also news of the Rock they can count on always.
Pray that I can be patient as I finish college. I know these years of education will prove important, and they're not a loss. It's hard, but through Him, all is possible. I reread Romans 8:28-39 and was knocked back into a place of amazement.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ²⁹ For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. ³⁰ And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

More Than Conquerors

 ³¹ What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³ Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶ As it is written:

   “For your sake we face death all day long;
   we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

 ³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I am more than a conqueror. I am a child of God, fierce and fearless, ready to be used for His will.
-Shelby :)

To Whom It May Concern

Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you ought to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
Ooo the way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh
The way your kisses taste
I missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do, How I do
I've missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh I missed you
I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
Oh how I want to
Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently.

-To Whom It May Concern by The Civil Wars

Mission Weekend

This weekend was the Lakeview College Girls Mission Weekend. About a hundred of us girls took vans down to South Alabama to spread the Gospel in various places. My team was assigned the town of Slocomb.

We were expecting 75-100 kids to come out. About 15 showed up. We were crushed to say the least, especially since we had spent hours planning on how we were going to split things up and which girls were going to do what and what to do with the different age groups.

The day started off with us working a free health clinic. Us girls ended up playing with the kids that were there and I ended up spending a lot of time with a little 4 year old named Kade.

He was precious. As he finished off his second cherry snow cone, the ring of red around his mouth stretched from his nose to his chin (but red was his favorite color though so it was okay, he reassured us). We asked him all about his favorite everything. When we asked about his favorite superhero, his response was, "God". My heart melted to say the least. He was just full of adorable little lines and tons of energy. His family had to leave for Disney World at 2 though so we said goodbye.

Kade showed me a lot about myself and about how God works. On the ride down, as we were planning on what to do with the kids, it became painfully obvious that I was the only one who had basically no experience in that area. I was terrified. And a bit angry since, like I said in an earlier post, I feel God has called me to work with children.
It was wearing hard on my mind and I just prayed and prayed the night before that God would give me the words to say and the things to do to connect with these kids and touch their lives. Kade proved to me that He will provide the things we ask of Him to use for His glory. As did this 2 year old  hispanic girl who waddled over to me as I was sitting in the entrance of the bouncy house. I thought she might want to bounce, so I lifted her up, but instead she just sat down right next to me and rested her little arms on me and stayed there for about 5 minutes. I asked her if she wanted to slide- she just looked up at me with those big brown eyes. So she sat, and I rubbed her little back and eventually her sister came and got her.

As we moved into Backyard Bible Club time and it became apparent we weren't going to have that many kids, we decided to just remain as one group as opposed to all of us girls splitting up. And what a blessing that was. I got to see all of the incredible girls in my group use their own talents. Leah (our leader) explained the basic Gospel to all of the kids and I was captivated. Just watching someone that knew exactly how to reach these children was incredible. So even though we had planned and planned and planned, God has His OWN plan, and it ended up better than we thought.

Here I need to say that the past few weeks I've been feeling that old worthlessness creeping in... the kind that makes me jealous of those with boyfriends and makes me want to settle for anyone. The kind I haven't felt in months- ever since I made the choice to turn my love life over to the Lord. Anyways, we were on the ride home and we somehow got on the topics of boyfriends and everyone was sharing stories and I just wanted to die. So I put my headphones in and tried to focus on reminding myself that God DOES have a plan for me... a set apart plan. One that only I and a few others can achieve. Is it more beautiful than dating more than one guy? Not necessarily, but it's set apart for ME. It's made for ME. I tried so hard to remind myself of that, but I couldn't. Leah started talking and I took off my headphones. Thank the Lord. She then told us about who SHE was dating... (and I won't say specifically who, but he is one of the greatest men I know and brings so much life to our church). She said he had approached her one evening when a few Lakeview members were downtown spreading the Word at bars. He told her his feelings and asked her to pray about it. Long story short, they ended up agreeing that they felt he was meant to pursue her. Pursue. Leah kept using that word and I absolutely love it. He's pursuing her heart. He asked for her parents' blessing and now they're dating. Though it's not normal dating. It's the Eric and Leslie Ludy type of dating. It's the Jim and Elisabeth Elliot type of dating. One of my friends called it "courting". It's taking things slow. Letting the Lord write this beautiful story. After Leah had finished telling the story I was in a state of happy just because of how perfect they are together (seriously, I couldn't have picked a better match) and I heard one of the girls ask Leah if she had ever dated. She said, not really, no.

The whole weekend Leah blew me away. A sweeter heart I have yet to meet and such love for the Lord! She's a leader without being bossy, and can reach kids in a way I've never seen. She has a beautiful voice and a beautiful face. She's wonderful. And I kept thinking to myself ALL weekend, "Why hasn't some man snatched her up? Why isn't she engaged or married?
Now I know.
God was saving her for the guy she's with. She deserved more than just "some man". And she got it. I can have the same. If only I will wait on His will. If only I will be happy in Him alone. If I can, He will provide me with the most beautiful love story I could imagine- whether it's with an earthly prince or with Him.

I got home and just cried tears of joy. He wanted me to hear Leah's story. He wanted to encourage me right when I was losing hope. He wanted to remind me that He has a better plan for me than ANYTHING I could ever think up.

The title of this blog is "More of You, less of me", and yet I don't always live like that. That's the only way I can be happy though. The more I allow Him to penetrate the darkness of my heart and light up my life, the more fulfilled I will be. If we want to be happy, we need just pour ourselves into Him... lose our will in His will. Even when you think you've given everything you have to Him, there's always something more. He deserves everything we could ever give. We deserve nothing. Yet He still provides for us, even when we turn from Him... how could I ever even think about holding something away from Him? Give it all and you will receive everything you could ever need.

- Shelby :)

Something awesome

This was shared with me by a friend. While I'm not Catholic, the message is the same I've been working on/studying these past few months and it's an incredible one at that!  


Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But God, to a Christian, says,
“No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content
With being loved by Me alone,
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me,
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship
With Me alone.
Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship
That I have planned for you.
You will never be united with another until you are united
With Me alone,
Exclusive of anyone or anything else,
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning,
Stop wishing,
And allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing,
One that you cannot imagine.
Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I Am.
Keep listening and learning the things I tell you.
You just wait.
That’s all.
Don’t be anxious.
Don’t worry.
Don’t look at the things you think you want;
You just keep looking off and away up to Me,
Or you’ll miss what I want to show you.
And then when you are ready,
I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any
You could dream of.
You see, until you are ready and until
The one I have for you is ready
(I am working even at this moment to have you both ready at the same time),
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me
And the life I prepared for you,
You won’t be able to experience the love that
Exemplified your relationship with Me.
And this is the perfect love.
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love,
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your
Relationship with Me,
And to enjoy materially and concretely
The everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love
That I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love utterly.
I Am God.
Believe it and be satisfied.
~ St. Anthony of Padua

Super crazy encouraged

It's incredible how absolutely wonderful life begins to be when you start leaning on Him and pouring yourself out for Him.
This week I've made time all day to pray with all my heart and really delve into the Word... and I have felt as light as a feather because of it. Everything becomes so much easier when your focus turns to Him. On Monday, one of the Lakeviewers was talking about how when you put the Lord before your schoolwork, it might seem risky, but it'll end up with you being well taken care of- and it's TRUE. I did exactly that this week and not only was I happier, but my schoolwork ended up getting done too! And honestly, I felt like I worked harder and got better results on my assignments! Another guy quoted something he had read about putting the important before the urgent. Such a dire point. I constantly struggle with that- and I usually end up cutting out reading my Bible or spending time with God when it comes down to it. I really just need to cut back my facebook and twitter usage, and then I will have plenty of time for both school and time with the Lord!

On another point, tonight I met with two of my friends for a discipleship group- a new one and one old one who has been through a lot with me. We made dinner and then just talked about what was going on in our lives... about what we were struggling with, about what we found helped us through our tough situations. It was amazing. I've never had that kind of fellowship and ability to share and relate so greatly with anyone before! I just think back to a few months ago when I was so discouraged about not having anybody to talk to about what God was doing in my life and pray with and just grow with. And now I do. Not only do I have a new friend that I have a Christ based friendship with, but I now have a deeper level of appreciation and understanding for/from one of my oldest best friends. I just can't help but take a step back and admire how He is working in my life. It's stunning.



But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.- 1 John 1:7

(I just looked up a verse that went with this post and we're actually going through 1 John in our d group. I love how relevant everything is becoming. :) )

Intrigued

So, the past few weeks/month, I have undertaken a study of sorts... a study of Christ-like manhood. A study of what God intended men to be like... and seriously, I've never been more intrigued. I've fallen in love, honestly... not with a particular man, but with the characteristics of a "warrior-poet", as Leslie Ludy calls them. From personal experience, it is SO easy to be discouraged in the current state of men when you're attending college. Most guys are using this new found freedom to party, drink, smoke, have sex with dozens of girls...whatever they want. Personally, that is NOT AT ALL the kind of guy I want to marry. Lately though, my eyes have been opened to see more and more warrior poets around me. It's truly an incredible sight.
Perhaps the biggest characteristic of a warrior-poet is as follows:
"The mark of a warrior-poet does not lie in his perfection, but in the direction of his life. Is he aiming for the world or aiming for Christ? Is he eagerly pursuing more of Christ or is he preoccupied with himself? If his life's direction is pointed toward 'less of me and more of Him,' then he has the warrior-poet blood within his veins, even if God has not yet rasped and refined all the rough edges of his masculinity. If he has made Christ the center of his existence, then Christ will be faithful to smooth away the wrinkles and refine him more and more into His divine likeness."-Leslie Ludy
Men were also created to be leaders. They are to initiate. They are to be the last word on important decisions in marriage. I personally LOVE that. I'm not a particularly brazen, pushy person (or I like to think that) and I love that my husband (if I am meant to be married), will one day be the LEADER of our family and household. Women were made to support them and take care. That's honestly one of the things I'm looking forward to most in marriage... supporting my husband and encouraging him to lead and be a warrior for Christ.

For some reason, I'm struggling to find the words to write about this topic- though it excites me greatly- and I keep deleting things and I'm sure what I've already written sounds like gibberish. So I guess I'll just leave off there for now, and if I can form flowing, coherent thoughts later, I will continue sharing about my study. :)

-Shelby :)

Called

A strange thing has been taking place in my life... A radicalization. Christ is moving strongly and firmly through me... it's quite an unbelievable feeling.
Nothing feels the same anymore... literally nothing. The things that used to draw me to them don't anymore... It's like I can finally see clearly. I know many of my friends are having trouble understanding this... and I don't quite know how to explain it... To them, I've always been "guy obsessed, goofy, over-reactive Shelby". Now I'm changed.
As I've been pondering what to do with my life and where I feel God is leading me... I always keep coming back to mission work. I've felt called to mission work for almost a year now. I've never known why, or where, but I've felt drawn.
Here I need to add detail about a specific area of my life that I looked back on today and realized had changed... children.
I used to not like children that much... I never babysat, never had cousins or siblings that were a lot younger than me... never had to deal with small children, so I was uncomfortable. I always thought, "I know when I have my own kids I'll love them, but other people's kids... not so much."
Lately though, I haven't been able to keep my heart from melting when I see them. So much potential rides in each one of those little people... they're so innocent.
In Sacred Singleness, there is a testimony from a missionary named Karris who lives and works in an orphanage/school in Haiti. I went to the website listed danitaschildren.org and read some of the childrens' stories and the mission there and fell in love. I truly believe that I am called to minister and help children in situations like that.
He has called me RADICALLY. I honestly can't even imagine just marrying someone straight out of college and settling down in suburbia now... there are MILLIONS of people all around the world that haven't had the chance to hear His word... there are children that need to be rescued and cared for. How can I just ignore that?
I am willing to give up EVERYTHING for Him and this calling. Every comfort I've ever known... every person that I depend on.
It's been pressed upon my heart. I can't wait to see where He takes me. Please pray that He'll provide me with guidance as I venture further into this. :)
-Shelby :)

Carrying the cross in our singleness

So, I've been reading this incredible book called Sacred Singleness by Leslie Ludy. It's pointed out so many wonderful things about this time of singleness I'm in, as well as provided much needed encouragement.

There are many Christian books out there that blow off the whole "Singleness is a gift" thing and tell young girls to help out their situation because God called us to be married.

First off, I can just see that leading to settling for a less than Christ-like prince. You're, say... 27, and this guy comes along and he's a "Christian" and he goes to church, so he must be husband material right? Sure, it's obvious he's not on fire for the Lord, but he's better than most men! You're 27, times running out!

I hope and pray I will never put myself in that situation. I've waited this long, and plan to wait as long as it takes for a one of a kind, loves the Lord with every ounce of his being (even more than me!), incredible man. Because I know if I wait for His time... it'll be worth it. I don't want to settle for a "little bit better than the average Joe moral wise" guy... I want a man who is going to encourage me in my walk with Christ... who will pray with me and do mission work with me and study the Word with me... (I know this is not what everyone wants who may read this... I'm not trying to place lesser value on what other people may seek- merely stating what I want to wait for :) )

Back to the people who say otherwise though... Leslie mentioned one author who wrote that she couldn't believe God wanted His children to embrace a gift that hurt so much, and that she realized she was being tricked into denying her very self (which was obviously the desire to be married).

Leslie quoted Matthew 16:24 for this, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me."

And then she pointed our perhaps one of the truest, most beautiful things ever... I'll quote the passage:

"What if Jesus had simply listened to His 'heart' that night in the Garden of Gethsemane? What if He had taken that particular book's advice and yielded to what His emotions and human desires were telling Him? What if He had said, 'Surely God does not want me to embrace something that makes me so miserable? Surely I shouldn't see this as an opportunity from My Father! Death is a curse. It's shameful; it's painful. Why would I surrender to something that doesn't make Me feel happy?'"

HOW TRUE?
We are called to live our lives as Christ did... fearlessly and devotedly... 100%. He was willing to HANG ON THE CROSS because God told Him to.... He trusted that God would get Him through it... that it would be worth it! Why shouldn't us single people take that same attitude? Surely, being single is nowhere near as terrible as being crucified.

I just know that so many more people could be embracing this time in their lives! If I... the girl who used to desire NOTHING more than to be married with a family... who already has her dress and ring picked out... who cries when watching proposals and weddings just because the thought of having found that one person makes my heart explode... if I can be content in this time... anyone can.

He is all I need. He is more than enough. I can live now without any distractions... without having to worry about affecting another person with my decisions... I just need to focus on what He is doing in my life... it's absolutely liberating. :)

-Shelby :)

So, after my little emotional breakdown I just documented, I turned to the book with all answers... and of course found some.




Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.


Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.


And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.


-1 Peter 5:6-11

How relevant and incredible are those words? Very.






-Shelby :)

Tired and Tried.

Today started out great. All day long I was just basking in His love and just drinking it all in. And I was sharing my happiness on facebook.
Then the incident happened and honestly, I was just a mess of emotion, not sad, really... just moved. And I felt drawn to write a note on facebook that I had actually been planning on writing for a few days now (I was just waiting for V Day).
And then the worry started up again... like a choking hand, it took me over, seeped into every pore. I feel violated. I feel like everything I write here and on facebook and twitter is going to be made fun of and ridiculed. Even though I've tried to block those negative people, I feel like there's still an inside source feeding them information. It's absolutely sickening. I want to die... seriously, I just want to be with my God up in heaven and escape this fear. These people are ruining my life... if you're reading this and you're one of them, please just... stop. I've done nothing to you and all I'm doing now is sharing my love of my Lord.
In a way, I don't care that they're making fun of me... I mean, they're just poking fun at my faith.

My world has just gone from absolutely perfect to terrifying in a period of a week.

I just wish I could never see these people again... I want to go away to another college and just leave them. But I still feel like they'll be there ridiculing me.

I'm trying so hard to trust Him right now... I really am. I'm just so torn down. I have one of the most delicate hearts I've ever come across and it can't take this. I really just want to delete everyone on facebook except for those I know share my love of the Lord. Because I KNOW for a fact that they will not do something like this. But that's just me giving into Satan and his wishes. I know for a fact I have been called to share His word. Whether it's as a girls minister or a missionary, or whatever... and for now, as I'm in college, I have to stick to sharing it through the internet. It's just so hard.

Always blown away

God has provided SO much for me in His amazing way thus far in my life that I shouldn't be so surprised every time He does it again... but goodness... that incredible feeling that I get when I see He has given me exactly what I need or when He answers my prayers so beautifully... it's indescribable.

Yesterday was kind of rough for me... I was deeply discouraged by my current situation in church. I want SO badly to get involved more and meet more college kids walking with Christ, but the friends I go to church with don't seem to have the same passion for our church that I do (not saying that that's wrong... I understand that Lakeview is REALLY different from their home churches/not going to church at all). Anyways, yesterday I learned I would have literally no one to go to church with out of the 5 people that normally go with me. I was just really upset and down, but I knew I needed to go anyways. I went and this couple that are friends with one of my friends and that I'm acquainted with were there so I stuck with them. They were incredibly nice and Emily (the girl) invited me to start coming to girls bible study on Monday night. I've definitely been needing something like that and I feel like I can make even more friends there!

There was a second point that was REALLY wearing on me though... I've never really had a Christ centered friendship with any of my best friends... they're all Christians for sure, but we've never talked about our walk with Christ, prayed together, anything really... we just never even talk about what God is doing in our lives. I've been in an intense need for that kind of support and last night I just broke down and cried out to God to bring some people into my life that would encourage me with His word, pray with me, and lift me up in my journey with Him. Then at church of course, I talked to Emily and then tonight the craziest thing happened... one of the girls I went to high school with but was never really close friends with posted a status on facebook about loneliness that screamed exactly what my heart was feeling. So I messaged her and we started talking and we're actually struggling with a similar situation right now, though she has an earthly prince in her life- we're both working to put our heavenly Prince first and foremost in this pivotal time of our lives. We're hopefully going to meet for lunch sometime!

How incredible is that? It didn't even take a day for Him to provide me with what I needed, even if it wasn't in an expected place... He WANTS me to grow in Him... He wants me to flourish right now... it's such a great feeling!

I'm so excited about tomorrow. It's Valentine's Day, yes... and I will be spending it with the One who holds my heart tightly... :)

-Shelby :)

Surrender

So first off, before I get into the meat of this post, I thought I should say a few things.
First, this is a blog to continue my story that I had been posting on Tumblr. Unfortunately, some cruel people got a hold of my tumblr address and used some personal information from there to embarrass me on the internet. So, this is me starting fresh... definitely no names included unless it's absolutely necessary.
Some background from my journey this year and before that... I accepted Christ my sophomore year of high school and everything in life took a new perspective... but I was still coveting the one thing that was hurting my heart the most and causing me the most distress in my life, as well as keeping me from a full and completely meaningful relationship with my God- my love life.
I've never had a real relationship... never been on a real date... never been kissed. And up until THIS year, I thought it was because I was worthless, ugly, and that something was seriously wrong with me. But then I read When God Writes Your Love Story  and realized that I had been "unlucky" in the boy department because God created me to be a one man woman. I was given the INCREDIBLY rare privilege that I can give my future spouse (if I even get married) EVERYTHING. So I made the life changing decision to not date until I knew I was in the presence of my husband. Basically, this decision has made everything a million times better... my life is completely changed and I have a more intimate, amazing relationship with the Lord than ever before because instead of cursing him, I can appreciate and revel in this beautiful gift he's given me.

I think that's a pretty good summary of everything... now for my post.
Surrender.
Most of us think we've done it... that we've given our lives to Christ. But how many doors are you keeping locked to Him? How many things are you coveting that He wants you to give to Him? We must be willing to give EVERYTHING to Him. We must throw open every door and invite Him in. What's He asking you to give up? I'll tell you exactly what the three hardest things were that He asked me to give up... First off... All Time Low. Now. Yes, they're just a band. But if you're a die hard ATL fan, it's SO much more than the music... you must know EVERYTHING about every band member AND all of the crew members. You must watch all of their buzznet videos. You must know every word to every one of their songs. And I did. I felt like they were my best friends. But the problem was... they're living in a way that was tearing me from His arms. They curse badly and frequently and drink all the time and have sex whenever, make crude jokes... everything. I had given so much to them. And God kept tugging at my heart asking me to give them up but I couldn't. Last week I did. I deleted everything about them from my computer and I stopped following them on twitter. And now I'm trying to sell my tickets to see them. Second up... my tumblr! Haha, kind of ironic, but it was taking up WAY more time than twitter and facebook combined PLUS there was SO much bad language and bad things coming at me daily. I deleted it because of the situation I mentioned before, but I realized afterwards how easy it was to do it... I was willing to give it up. And then the last one... the one I would avoid every time He nudged me... the one that I had based my entire EXISTENCE off of and my meaning and purpose for life off of.... the right to marriage.
Up until surrendering that, I felt I had the RIGHT to be married. That God HAD to do that for me since I was living a clean life and being a good girl... I thought I deserved it and that he should WANT to give it to me... but that's not what being a follower of Christ is about.
He loves delighting in us and fulfilling our heart's desires... and marriage was definitely my heart's very deepest desire.
But if He calls me to be single for the entirety of my earthly life, then so be it. My heavenly Bridegroom is far greater and can give me so much more than an earthly prince anyways. I'm in a marriage with Him. He is the only man I have my sights focused on. If  He decides to bring someone into my life for earthly encouragement and companionship, then I will LOVE that... but if He doesn't, I will love that just as much. The other day at church, Brother Al said something incredibly true, "You can always have what you desire, if you desire what God has planned for you." How awesome is that? If we only hope for Him to lead us where He needs to, we will NEVER be disappointed.
There is SO much weight lifted off of my shoulders now that I don't have to worry about finding a husband. I can just focus on Him with my all and live the life He has planned for me.
"Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ"
- Philippians 3:8

Shelby :)