Refreshed

Whew! The semester is almost over. Honestly, it's probably been some of the roughest months of my entire life. I felt continuously mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. I've yelled at God more these past few months than I ever have. My self esteem hit rock bottom and past problems and insecurities started working their way into my life again.
Tonight though, I finally felt a change that feels lasting. I can see the end of the school work which is an utter relief. Band is pretty much over (which while I absolutely love being in the AUMB, it sometimes is a battle realizing that impressing people and being liked in my band family is nowhere near as important as pleasing the Lord and bringing Him glory). I've got my priorities about dating straight again. I finally feel back to normal. Thank God. Literally. Praise Him.
Tonight I was able to full heartedly and unabashedly pray for my enemies and friends with a selfless heart for the first time in a while. I looked in the mirror and realized that traditional "beauty" has nothing on eyes that are glowing with a peace that comes from knowing the Lord and a face lit up with the Spirit.
I have in part my compassion international babies to thank for this. Last month, I realized how incredibly selfish I had become gradually over the semester. My prayers were all about me. My thoughts were consumed in self pity and envy and greed. I knew I had to fix SOMETHING. The Lord laid it on my heart to go on compassion international's website and pick 3 children to just PRAY for. It was such a burden off of my heart to just pour out myself for someone truly in need and take on THEIR problems instead of dwelling on my own trivial issues. Week after week my babies kept getting sponsored (praise God!) and I kept picking out new kids to pray for. While I couldn't support them financially, I could support them prayerfully. Tonight though, the most wonderful news came- my mom said we could pick two children to sponsor! I am so thrilled about this opportunity! I can't wait to correspond with the kids and see God work in their lives.
Anyways, I would just encourage anyone reading this who may be struggling with feeling self absorbed.    Find someone else to pray for, whether it be someone who needs to know of God's grace, someone who is struggling with sin, someone who is in a rough spot in their life, or even a child across the world who needs just one soul thinking about and praying for them. Find someone else other than yourself to dwell on and watch Him work through you.
A verse from Bible study tonight really stuck with me:
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength. - Philippians 4:12-13

Thanks for reading as always. :)

-Shelby :)

The Summer of Getting By

So, it's been awhile since I last wrote. I won't lie and say I haven't thought about writing a few times, but honestly my heart wasn't in it. Tonight I feel God has nudged me to pick up the virtual pen and get back into the game.

This summer... has been good. I've been happy and surrounded by family and nothing bad has really happened and I can't complain by a normal standard. I've kept in the Word- thought sometimes I hurried through my passage for the night just to get to bed or get back on the computer. In all honesty though, I felt a huge lack of Him through these past months. I read Psalm 73:3-6 last night and easily applied it to myself.

3 For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
4 They have no struggles;
their bodies are healthy and strong.
5 They are free from common human burdens;
they are not plagued by human ills.
6 Therefore pride is their necklace;

I fell into a complacency of sorts. That attitude of "Oh, I'm getting by. I'm doing okay. Nothing's bad. Nothing's really AWESOME either, but it's all good. Limiting the access God has to my life isn't affecting me THAT much. I can live like this, I mean, tons of other people are. Look at them- they're doing great and they don't have God in their life." 

I was SO wrong. So so so wrong. And the funny thing is, I was aware at every moment that I could be living a more fulfilled life. I could go back to having that ever present peace and joy that I had had earlier in the year. But my own foolish pride led me to think that I could handle life better than Him. 

I'm glad I've been having a gradual change of heart back where I need to be these past few weeks. I just can't wait to be back into my Lakeview groove. I cherish my time there greatly- being surrounded by people my own age with a similar love for the Lord is so encouraging! 

This summer I started yanking back bits of my life for myself instead of letting them rest in His capable hands. It's so silly when I think about it, because life with God IS a vacation from this fallen world. 

To end this catching up piece, I don't want anyone to think that my beliefs have been shaken or I've questioned what the Lord has done in my life. If anything, the straying of my heart has brought me back to Him with a stronger, fiercer love and devotion which I find is what always comes out of these type of things. :)

I'm so excited to get back to Auburn and see what He has in store for me! 

23 Yet I am always with You;
You hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with Your counsel,
and afterward You will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but You?
And earth has nothing I desire besides You.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

-Psalm 73:23-26

^That just makes my heart soar. 

-Shelby :)

Romance

Tonight I was sitting out on our back porch as dusk fell and rocking in one of our two rocking chairs, enjoying the sounds and smells and feel of summer. Dusk is my absolute favorite time of day... there's something so peaceful and quiet and final about it.
My mind started to wander and soon an ache hit my heart... the one I fight down so often... the want for earthly companionship. Looking over at the empty rocking chair to my side, it was so easy to imagine him there... whoever he may be. It's times like these when I feel cheated that I can't know my husband NOW and start sharing parts of my life with him NOW, if I'm meant to get married. Every time I feel so happy in a moment, I long for him to be there to share it with me.
And whenever I start longing for that, I feel guilty and angry at myself. Why am I not happy with the Lord's companionship? Is it not good enough? He's the LORD. He has given me a million times what any earthly man will... and my mind always says, "You need something tangible- a hand to hold, a face to gaze at..."
That's true... I do want that. But tonight as I looked around at all of the things I was enjoying before my mind started to wander- the slight balmy breeze, the faint sound of crickets, the dimming of the sky- I realized that those very things are what He uses to romance ME. The ultimate Bridegroom cherishes me and provides all of those things I long to share with a man... all along I could've been treasuring those moments with Him... thanking Him for His beautiful gifts.
You've opened my eyes Lord... no tenderness compares to Yours.
-Shelby :)

Desperately wanting a reality check

Lately I've been troubled... troubled by how I take everything I have for granted. By how easily it is to forget how much I have.
I'm so wasteful... I just ate a row of oreos and took off the tops of all of them and just threw them away. I pour out a bottle of water if it sits beside my bed for a couple of days. I stand in the hot shower for over 30 minutes every night.
And yet around the world, people are dying from starvation, unclean drinking water, living in filthy conditions, watching parents, siblings, children die.
Oh Lord, I want to be Your hands and feet to these people.
I want so bad to move to one of these third world countries. To remove myself from the cushy upper middle class America I've lived in my whole life. To not waste my days texting and checking social networking sites and throwing my life away to the internet. I want to make a difference.
I will one day. Hopefully. One day after I graduate.
But for now, I just feel stuck and guilty and helpless. Helpless to help those who need it.
How can I stay here knowing that thousands of people around the world have not even heard the word Jesus? It's so easy to get caught up in those immediately surrounding me who HAVE heard and chose to ignore.
I used to want to get married right out of college and live in suburbia forever. And there's NOTHING wrong with that... but something has been pressed on me... I've been called.
Most of these starving, sick, dying people have lost hope. I want to bring them not only the physical things they so desperately need, but also news of the Rock they can count on always.
Pray that I can be patient as I finish college. I know these years of education will prove important, and they're not a loss. It's hard, but through Him, all is possible. I reread Romans 8:28-39 and was knocked back into a place of amazement.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ²⁹ For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. ³⁰ And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

More Than Conquerors

 ³¹ What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³ Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶ As it is written:

   “For your sake we face death all day long;
   we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

 ³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I am more than a conqueror. I am a child of God, fierce and fearless, ready to be used for His will.
-Shelby :)

To Whom It May Concern

Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you ought to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
Ooo the way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh
The way your kisses taste
I missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do, How I do
I've missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh I missed you
I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
Oh how I want to
Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently.

-To Whom It May Concern by The Civil Wars

Mission Weekend

This weekend was the Lakeview College Girls Mission Weekend. About a hundred of us girls took vans down to South Alabama to spread the Gospel in various places. My team was assigned the town of Slocomb.

We were expecting 75-100 kids to come out. About 15 showed up. We were crushed to say the least, especially since we had spent hours planning on how we were going to split things up and which girls were going to do what and what to do with the different age groups.

The day started off with us working a free health clinic. Us girls ended up playing with the kids that were there and I ended up spending a lot of time with a little 4 year old named Kade.

He was precious. As he finished off his second cherry snow cone, the ring of red around his mouth stretched from his nose to his chin (but red was his favorite color though so it was okay, he reassured us). We asked him all about his favorite everything. When we asked about his favorite superhero, his response was, "God". My heart melted to say the least. He was just full of adorable little lines and tons of energy. His family had to leave for Disney World at 2 though so we said goodbye.

Kade showed me a lot about myself and about how God works. On the ride down, as we were planning on what to do with the kids, it became painfully obvious that I was the only one who had basically no experience in that area. I was terrified. And a bit angry since, like I said in an earlier post, I feel God has called me to work with children.
It was wearing hard on my mind and I just prayed and prayed the night before that God would give me the words to say and the things to do to connect with these kids and touch their lives. Kade proved to me that He will provide the things we ask of Him to use for His glory. As did this 2 year old  hispanic girl who waddled over to me as I was sitting in the entrance of the bouncy house. I thought she might want to bounce, so I lifted her up, but instead she just sat down right next to me and rested her little arms on me and stayed there for about 5 minutes. I asked her if she wanted to slide- she just looked up at me with those big brown eyes. So she sat, and I rubbed her little back and eventually her sister came and got her.

As we moved into Backyard Bible Club time and it became apparent we weren't going to have that many kids, we decided to just remain as one group as opposed to all of us girls splitting up. And what a blessing that was. I got to see all of the incredible girls in my group use their own talents. Leah (our leader) explained the basic Gospel to all of the kids and I was captivated. Just watching someone that knew exactly how to reach these children was incredible. So even though we had planned and planned and planned, God has His OWN plan, and it ended up better than we thought.

Here I need to say that the past few weeks I've been feeling that old worthlessness creeping in... the kind that makes me jealous of those with boyfriends and makes me want to settle for anyone. The kind I haven't felt in months- ever since I made the choice to turn my love life over to the Lord. Anyways, we were on the ride home and we somehow got on the topics of boyfriends and everyone was sharing stories and I just wanted to die. So I put my headphones in and tried to focus on reminding myself that God DOES have a plan for me... a set apart plan. One that only I and a few others can achieve. Is it more beautiful than dating more than one guy? Not necessarily, but it's set apart for ME. It's made for ME. I tried so hard to remind myself of that, but I couldn't. Leah started talking and I took off my headphones. Thank the Lord. She then told us about who SHE was dating... (and I won't say specifically who, but he is one of the greatest men I know and brings so much life to our church). She said he had approached her one evening when a few Lakeview members were downtown spreading the Word at bars. He told her his feelings and asked her to pray about it. Long story short, they ended up agreeing that they felt he was meant to pursue her. Pursue. Leah kept using that word and I absolutely love it. He's pursuing her heart. He asked for her parents' blessing and now they're dating. Though it's not normal dating. It's the Eric and Leslie Ludy type of dating. It's the Jim and Elisabeth Elliot type of dating. One of my friends called it "courting". It's taking things slow. Letting the Lord write this beautiful story. After Leah had finished telling the story I was in a state of happy just because of how perfect they are together (seriously, I couldn't have picked a better match) and I heard one of the girls ask Leah if she had ever dated. She said, not really, no.

The whole weekend Leah blew me away. A sweeter heart I have yet to meet and such love for the Lord! She's a leader without being bossy, and can reach kids in a way I've never seen. She has a beautiful voice and a beautiful face. She's wonderful. And I kept thinking to myself ALL weekend, "Why hasn't some man snatched her up? Why isn't she engaged or married?
Now I know.
God was saving her for the guy she's with. She deserved more than just "some man". And she got it. I can have the same. If only I will wait on His will. If only I will be happy in Him alone. If I can, He will provide me with the most beautiful love story I could imagine- whether it's with an earthly prince or with Him.

I got home and just cried tears of joy. He wanted me to hear Leah's story. He wanted to encourage me right when I was losing hope. He wanted to remind me that He has a better plan for me than ANYTHING I could ever think up.

The title of this blog is "More of You, less of me", and yet I don't always live like that. That's the only way I can be happy though. The more I allow Him to penetrate the darkness of my heart and light up my life, the more fulfilled I will be. If we want to be happy, we need just pour ourselves into Him... lose our will in His will. Even when you think you've given everything you have to Him, there's always something more. He deserves everything we could ever give. We deserve nothing. Yet He still provides for us, even when we turn from Him... how could I ever even think about holding something away from Him? Give it all and you will receive everything you could ever need.

- Shelby :)

Something awesome

This was shared with me by a friend. While I'm not Catholic, the message is the same I've been working on/studying these past few months and it's an incredible one at that!  


Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But God, to a Christian, says,
“No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content
With being loved by Me alone,
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me,
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship
With Me alone.
Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship
That I have planned for you.
You will never be united with another until you are united
With Me alone,
Exclusive of anyone or anything else,
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning,
Stop wishing,
And allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing,
One that you cannot imagine.
Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I Am.
Keep listening and learning the things I tell you.
You just wait.
That’s all.
Don’t be anxious.
Don’t worry.
Don’t look at the things you think you want;
You just keep looking off and away up to Me,
Or you’ll miss what I want to show you.
And then when you are ready,
I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any
You could dream of.
You see, until you are ready and until
The one I have for you is ready
(I am working even at this moment to have you both ready at the same time),
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me
And the life I prepared for you,
You won’t be able to experience the love that
Exemplified your relationship with Me.
And this is the perfect love.
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love,
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your
Relationship with Me,
And to enjoy materially and concretely
The everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love
That I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love utterly.
I Am God.
Believe it and be satisfied.
~ St. Anthony of Padua